Entrance Exam for A Christian Seminary

Part one of the test will de derived directly from the scriptures. This is the teacher’s edition as the correct answers are in bold and italics.

1. In Exodus 21:2, according to god if you purchase a Hebrew slave, how many years of service should you get from him/her?
a. A Lifetime
b. 6 years
c. 3 years
d. A fortnight

2. in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, according to god’s law, if a man rapes a woman the punishment is:______________.
a. Death
b. The man must marry her and never be allowed to divorce her.
c. Castration
d. The woman is killed

3. Whom (What) did Jephthat sacrifice to god upon a burning altar after he defeated the Ammonites in god’s name? (Judges 11:29-40 NLT)
a. A ram
b. His favorite cat
c. His daughter
d. A burning bush

4. According to the book of Kings 13:1-2, god demanded certain sacrifices from King Josiah. What sacrifices did he demand?
a. Gold
b. Old Democrats
c. Frankincense
d. Kill all of the pagans upon their own altars (which resulted in thousands of human sacrifices)

5. In Chronicles 21, how many innocent people does god kill after David’s census?
a. God doesn’t kill people, it says so in the Ten Commandments
b. 70,000 innocent people were murdered
c. No people but a couple of goats were killed
d. No people but at least 6 asses

6. In Judges 21, what does god tell the people of Benjamin to do to get wives?
a. Go forth and propose marriage to the best women
b. Ask the fathers of the best women for their daughters hand in marriage
c. Kill all of the people of Jabesh-gilead and kidnap the women for your own pleasures
d. Use the Internet

7. How many times in the scriptures does god mention priests must be virgins?
a. 6,666
b. 0
c. At least 7 times
d. More than 10 but fewer than 15

8. According to James 5:14-15, if a devout follower of god gets sick what is the best cure?
a. Get to a doctor immediately.
b. Prayer.
c. Eat vitamins.
d. Plenty of rest, fresh air and sunlight.

9. In Judges 18:27-29, what did god command Micah to do to the town of Laish?
a. Explain the pros of conservative politics.
b. Quickly outlaw abortion before the Democrats take over.
c. Pass a resolution banning slavery.
d. Kill all of the people and burn the town to the ground.

10. Why did Jesus die for our sins, couldn’t his father just forgive us without all of the bloodshed? After all he is the almighty god.
a. No. Jesus’ father demands blood sacrifices because he loves us
b. No Jesus wanted to die because he enjoys pain
c. No, BECAUSE!!!!!
d. Yes his father could have simply forgiven us.

Part two of this exam is word association. Fill in the correct answer.
11. Kryptonite is to Superman as _____________ is to Jesus.
a. Unholy Water
b. Radiation
c. Garlic
d. Nine in nails

12. Nuclear power is to Ironman as ____________ are(is) to Catholic Priests.
a. Fresh water
b. Fresh air
c. New clothes
d. Little boys

13. According to many Old Testament stories, blood is to Dracula as __________ is to god.
a. Deep space
b. Blue skies
c. Human Blood
d. Kryptonite

14. In modern times, two years in jail for theft is just as fair as the Old Testament justice of___________ for missing church on Sunday.
a. Four Hail Mary’s and six Our Father’s
b. The sacrificing of your most productive goat
c. Death
d. Partial stoning + 20 months of gay sex

15. According to god, the greatest law is:
a. The writ of habeas corpus which guarantees all men are guaranteed liberty and relief from unlawful imprisonment.
b. The Bill of Rights which guarantees all men life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness among other protections from tyranny.
c. Feed the hungry, house the homeless, give money to the poor and ensure the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
d. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

This is the Ten Commandments portion of the test.

The list below contains twenty five of the worst sins in humankind. Select the 10 which all-knowing, all-seeing, almighty God included as the worst:

Human slavery
Missing Sunday mass
Pedophilia
Worshiping false gods
Rape
Coveting thy neighbor’s wife
Polygamy
Stealing
People dying of hunger in a world with ample food supplies
Plunging an entire economy into turmoil so a few billionaires can earn even more money
Disobeying your mother and father
Slaughtering living creatures for pleasure
Human torture
Coveting your neighbors goods
Gay sex
Janet Jackson flashing a bare boob during the Super Bowl
Murder
Nude photography of consenting adults
Using god’s name in vain
Cannibalism
Carving an image of another god or of the heavens
Genocide
Bearing false witness against your neighbor
Allowing the wants of the few precedence over the welfare of the many

A passing grade and to ensure entrance into the Seminary, you must get at least a 95% passing grade.