Thursday, June 08, 2006
Here is one of the memories from my childhood that came back to me while on vacation.
Our 6th grade class loved to write letters, mostly to the opposite sex. Then we would exchange these love notes between classes as we passed each other in the halls. We had one particular nun, Sister Mary, who hated this note writing habit and just about everything else we did.
Sister Mary was over 3,428 years old; we think she might have actually met Christ. It was rumored if you were sent to the nurse they would drain your blood and feed it to her to keep her alive for another semester. She hated kids but taught them her entire life. She always accused our class of being on drugs when many of us had never even seen any drugs other than the Flintstone vitamins and the St. Joseph aspirins we were all addicted to.
One day she actually called my parents and accused me of being possessed by the devil because during First Communion practice, when the Host touched my tongue, I vomited it back all over the priest. She suggested we immediately have an exorcism.
Somebody was always vomiting in Church because it lacked AC so it was always very hot. Even the strong scent of the incense would sometimes cause someone to involuntarily cough up their breakfast. In fact, at least once a week somebody would vomit, which was a major event since we were all chain-pukers.
Sister Mary loved to play the guitar so everyday after Church we would gather and sing songs, mostly hymns and such. Well the book had other songs too like Bad Leroy Brown. We would take turns choosing a song to sing and everyday somebody would choose Bad Leroy Brown. Why? Well there is a verse “The baddest man in the whole dang town” but we would substitute “damn” instead of “dang” which would annoy the hell out of her. She would stop playing the guitar and the smile would quickly turn into a scowl. “Stop That!” Just about everyday this routine would repeat and she always fell for it.
We used to aggravate the hell out of Sister Mary. We would take the pencil shavings out of the pencil sharpeners and roll fake joints and leave them on the floor for her to find. During lavatory break somebody would always piss on the radiator, sending an indescribable stench rolling through the school. Another neat trick was to leave different color crayons on the radiator to melt into a disturbing collage of colors. One day she found the Polish Sex Manual somebody stole from their older brother lying on the cafeteria floor. The Polish Sex Manual was a three page booklet: page one reads “insert”, page two reads “remove” and page three reads “repeat if necessary”. That caused her head to get so red we all thought the top would explode like a zit.
The worst Sister Mary explosion occurred on the day somebody carved a four letter word on a lavatory stall. We actually felt the heat from her head radiate through the door a second before she opened it. She stormed in during a class, grabbed the chalk and ordered all of the girls to leave. Then she wrote the four letter word on the chalkboard as hard as she could in huge letters and chewed our asses out for an hour. She threatened to personally give us target practice if we could not hit the urinals and said she would find out "one way or another" who carved that word onto the stalls. When she left we washed the chalk boards but the four letter word she wrote in anger could not be cleaned and lingered throughout the rest of the school year. You could always see the ghost of it lurking behind the teachers as they lectured in that classroom.
Anyway back to the letter. Sister Mary threatens to take the next letter she finds and read it aloud in class to everybody. This was horrible to us as no one wanted their deep, dark secrets read aloud to the entire class. Well, one day a note was going around the class before the bell rang and Sister Mary surprised us and intercepted it as it was being passed. She held it over her head while walking slowly in triumph to the front of the class exclaiming, “I told you if I caught you passing notes I was going to read it aloud and I meant it!”
The entire class gasped in horror at the thought of these secrets being exposed. She opened the letter with a huge grin on her face, like the cat that finally caught and ate the bird. Then she opened it and yelled, “That is disgusting!!”
She hung her head and the smile evanished into an expression of disbelief at what she had just read. The whole class wanted to know what was written but she shook her head and placed her right hand over her heart as if she was going to collapse.
”What did it say?” we all shouted
Sister Mary crumbled the note and threw it in the trash can as she darted from the class toward the girl’s lavatory. One of my classmates ran to the trash can, grabbed the note and opened it.
“EEEEEWWWWWWWW!” She screamed. “It’s a big ole bloody booger!”
Sister Mary retired shortly after that incident. No one has seen her since.
Our 6th grade class loved to write letters, mostly to the opposite sex. Then we would exchange these love notes between classes as we passed each other in the halls. We had one particular nun, Sister Mary, who hated this note writing habit and just about everything else we did.
Sister Mary was over 3,428 years old; we think she might have actually met Christ. It was rumored if you were sent to the nurse they would drain your blood and feed it to her to keep her alive for another semester. She hated kids but taught them her entire life. She always accused our class of being on drugs when many of us had never even seen any drugs other than the Flintstone vitamins and the St. Joseph aspirins we were all addicted to.
One day she actually called my parents and accused me of being possessed by the devil because during First Communion practice, when the Host touched my tongue, I vomited it back all over the priest. She suggested we immediately have an exorcism.
Somebody was always vomiting in Church because it lacked AC so it was always very hot. Even the strong scent of the incense would sometimes cause someone to involuntarily cough up their breakfast. In fact, at least once a week somebody would vomit, which was a major event since we were all chain-pukers.
Sister Mary loved to play the guitar so everyday after Church we would gather and sing songs, mostly hymns and such. Well the book had other songs too like Bad Leroy Brown. We would take turns choosing a song to sing and everyday somebody would choose Bad Leroy Brown. Why? Well there is a verse “The baddest man in the whole dang town” but we would substitute “damn” instead of “dang” which would annoy the hell out of her. She would stop playing the guitar and the smile would quickly turn into a scowl. “Stop That!” Just about everyday this routine would repeat and she always fell for it.
We used to aggravate the hell out of Sister Mary. We would take the pencil shavings out of the pencil sharpeners and roll fake joints and leave them on the floor for her to find. During lavatory break somebody would always piss on the radiator, sending an indescribable stench rolling through the school. Another neat trick was to leave different color crayons on the radiator to melt into a disturbing collage of colors. One day she found the Polish Sex Manual somebody stole from their older brother lying on the cafeteria floor. The Polish Sex Manual was a three page booklet: page one reads “insert”, page two reads “remove” and page three reads “repeat if necessary”. That caused her head to get so red we all thought the top would explode like a zit.
The worst Sister Mary explosion occurred on the day somebody carved a four letter word on a lavatory stall. We actually felt the heat from her head radiate through the door a second before she opened it. She stormed in during a class, grabbed the chalk and ordered all of the girls to leave. Then she wrote the four letter word on the chalkboard as hard as she could in huge letters and chewed our asses out for an hour. She threatened to personally give us target practice if we could not hit the urinals and said she would find out "one way or another" who carved that word onto the stalls. When she left we washed the chalk boards but the four letter word she wrote in anger could not be cleaned and lingered throughout the rest of the school year. You could always see the ghost of it lurking behind the teachers as they lectured in that classroom.
Anyway back to the letter. Sister Mary threatens to take the next letter she finds and read it aloud in class to everybody. This was horrible to us as no one wanted their deep, dark secrets read aloud to the entire class. Well, one day a note was going around the class before the bell rang and Sister Mary surprised us and intercepted it as it was being passed. She held it over her head while walking slowly in triumph to the front of the class exclaiming, “I told you if I caught you passing notes I was going to read it aloud and I meant it!”
The entire class gasped in horror at the thought of these secrets being exposed. She opened the letter with a huge grin on her face, like the cat that finally caught and ate the bird. Then she opened it and yelled, “That is disgusting!!”
She hung her head and the smile evanished into an expression of disbelief at what she had just read. The whole class wanted to know what was written but she shook her head and placed her right hand over her heart as if she was going to collapse.
”What did it say?” we all shouted
Sister Mary crumbled the note and threw it in the trash can as she darted from the class toward the girl’s lavatory. One of my classmates ran to the trash can, grabbed the note and opened it.
“EEEEEWWWWWWWW!” She screamed. “It’s a big ole bloody booger!”
Sister Mary retired shortly after that incident. No one has seen her since.
posted by DarthImmortal at 10:36 PM
3 Comments:
Mimi,
Thanks for the info about the TV show. I will try to catch it on a rerun. It sounds like it would be right up my alley.
I'm glad you liked the story; eveything in that post is based on actual events. Stay tuned because I have at least two more stories about my younger days. I was quite a hellraiser.
I can't vouch for grade school (others can!) but Jeff, indeed, was a Hell-Raiser! We met in High School and as I recall, he was just coming into his own as a Hellspawn, honing his Craft to a fine edge. Hell hath no Fury than a Devil scorned, and loosed upon the Earth! LOL
The years have mellowed him a bit over the years, but underneath, there is still that same guy, older and wiser... but "Evil's" greatest trick is to convince you it doesn't exist! :D
Isn't it obvious from his posts, why I love having this guy as a friend!?
See you tomorrow, Jeff!
Mimi,
Waverly Hills is in a couple of the books I've read. But, of course, I have to check it out for myself. Thanks again for the info.
Andy,
No secret is safe with you, LOL!! In a couple of days I will post some stories that you will recognize. I can't put them all here or else my reputation will be tarnished.
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