Sunday, May 25, 2008
Part one of the test will de derived directly from the scriptures. This is the teacher’s edition as the correct answers are in bold and italics.
1. In Exodus 21:2, according to god if you purchase a Hebrew slave, how many years of service should you get from him/her?
a. A Lifetime
b. 6 years
c. 3 years
d. A fortnight
2. in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, according to god’s law, if a man rapes a woman the punishment is:______________.
a. Death
b. The man must marry her and never be allowed to divorce her.
c. Castration
d. The woman is killed
3. Whom (What) did Jephthat sacrifice to god upon a burning altar after he defeated the Ammonites in god’s name? (Judges 11:29-40 NLT)
a. A ram
b. His favorite cat
c. His daughter
d. A burning bush
4. According to the book of Kings 13:1-2, god demanded certain sacrifices from King Josiah. What sacrifices did he demand?
a. Gold
b. Old Democrats
c. Frankincense
d. Kill all of the pagans upon their own altars (which resulted in thousands of human sacrifices)
5. In Chronicles 21, how many innocent people does god kill after David’s census?
a. God doesn’t kill people, it says so in the Ten Commandments
b. 70,000 innocent people were murdered
c. No people but a couple of goats were killed
d. No people but at least 6 asses
6. In Judges 21, what does god tell the people of Benjamin to do to get wives?
a. Go forth and propose marriage to the best women
b. Ask the fathers of the best women for their daughters hand in marriage
c. Kill all of the people of Jabesh-gilead and kidnap the women for your own pleasures
d. Use the Internet
7. How many times in the scriptures does god mention priests must be virgins?
a. 6,666
b. 0
c. At least 7 times
d. More than 10 but fewer than 15
8. According to James 5:14-15, if a devout follower of god gets sick what is the best cure?
a. Get to a doctor immediately.
b. Prayer.
c. Eat vitamins.
d. Plenty of rest, fresh air and sunlight.
9. In Judges 18:27-29, what did god command Micah to do to the town of Laish?
a. Explain the pros of conservative politics.
b. Quickly outlaw abortion before the Democrats take over.
c. Pass a resolution banning slavery.
d. Kill all of the people and burn the town to the ground.
10. Why did Jesus die for our sins, couldn’t his father just forgive us without all of the bloodshed? After all he is the almighty god.
a. No. Jesus’ father demands blood sacrifices because he loves us
b. No Jesus wanted to die because he enjoys pain
c. No, BECAUSE!!!!!
d. Yes his father could have simply forgiven us.
Part two of this exam is word association. Fill in the correct answer.
11. Kryptonite is to Superman as _____________ is to Jesus.
a. Unholy Water
b. Radiation
c. Garlic
d. Nine in nails
12. Nuclear power is to Ironman as ____________ are(is) to Catholic Priests.
a. Fresh water
b. Fresh air
c. New clothes
d. Little boys
13. According to many Old Testament stories, blood is to Dracula as __________ is to god.
a. Deep space
b. Blue skies
c. Human Blood
d. Kryptonite
14. In modern times, two years in jail for theft is just as fair as the Old Testament justice of___________ for missing church on Sunday.
a. Four Hail Mary’s and six Our Father’s
b. The sacrificing of your most productive goat
c. Death
d. Partial stoning + 20 months of gay sex
15. According to god, the greatest law is:
a. The writ of habeas corpus which guarantees all men are guaranteed liberty and relief from unlawful imprisonment.
b. The Bill of Rights which guarantees all men life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness among other protections from tyranny.
c. Feed the hungry, house the homeless, give money to the poor and ensure the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
d. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
This is the Ten Commandments portion of the test.
The list below contains twenty five of the worst sins in humankind. Select the 10 which all-knowing, all-seeing, almighty God included as the worst:
Human slavery
Missing Sunday mass
Pedophilia
Worshiping false gods
Rape
Coveting thy neighbor’s wife
Polygamy
Stealing
People dying of hunger in a world with ample food supplies
Plunging an entire economy into turmoil so a few billionaires can earn even more money
Disobeying your mother and father
Slaughtering living creatures for pleasure
Human torture
Coveting your neighbors goods
Gay sex
Janet Jackson flashing a bare boob during the Super Bowl
Murder
Nude photography of consenting adults
Using god’s name in vain
Cannibalism
Carving an image of another god or of the heavens
Genocide
Bearing false witness against your neighbor
Allowing the wants of the few precedence over the welfare of the many
A passing grade and to ensure entrance into the Seminary, you must get at least a 95% passing grade.
1. In Exodus 21:2, according to god if you purchase a Hebrew slave, how many years of service should you get from him/her?
a. A Lifetime
b. 6 years
c. 3 years
d. A fortnight
2. in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, according to god’s law, if a man rapes a woman the punishment is:______________.
a. Death
b. The man must marry her and never be allowed to divorce her.
c. Castration
d. The woman is killed
3. Whom (What) did Jephthat sacrifice to god upon a burning altar after he defeated the Ammonites in god’s name? (Judges 11:29-40 NLT)
a. A ram
b. His favorite cat
c. His daughter
d. A burning bush
4. According to the book of Kings 13:1-2, god demanded certain sacrifices from King Josiah. What sacrifices did he demand?
a. Gold
b. Old Democrats
c. Frankincense
d. Kill all of the pagans upon their own altars (which resulted in thousands of human sacrifices)
5. In Chronicles 21, how many innocent people does god kill after David’s census?
a. God doesn’t kill people, it says so in the Ten Commandments
b. 70,000 innocent people were murdered
c. No people but a couple of goats were killed
d. No people but at least 6 asses
6. In Judges 21, what does god tell the people of Benjamin to do to get wives?
a. Go forth and propose marriage to the best women
b. Ask the fathers of the best women for their daughters hand in marriage
c. Kill all of the people of Jabesh-gilead and kidnap the women for your own pleasures
d. Use the Internet
7. How many times in the scriptures does god mention priests must be virgins?
a. 6,666
b. 0
c. At least 7 times
d. More than 10 but fewer than 15
8. According to James 5:14-15, if a devout follower of god gets sick what is the best cure?
a. Get to a doctor immediately.
b. Prayer.
c. Eat vitamins.
d. Plenty of rest, fresh air and sunlight.
9. In Judges 18:27-29, what did god command Micah to do to the town of Laish?
a. Explain the pros of conservative politics.
b. Quickly outlaw abortion before the Democrats take over.
c. Pass a resolution banning slavery.
d. Kill all of the people and burn the town to the ground.
10. Why did Jesus die for our sins, couldn’t his father just forgive us without all of the bloodshed? After all he is the almighty god.
a. No. Jesus’ father demands blood sacrifices because he loves us
b. No Jesus wanted to die because he enjoys pain
c. No, BECAUSE!!!!!
d. Yes his father could have simply forgiven us.
Part two of this exam is word association. Fill in the correct answer.
11. Kryptonite is to Superman as _____________ is to Jesus.
a. Unholy Water
b. Radiation
c. Garlic
d. Nine in nails
12. Nuclear power is to Ironman as ____________ are(is) to Catholic Priests.
a. Fresh water
b. Fresh air
c. New clothes
d. Little boys
13. According to many Old Testament stories, blood is to Dracula as __________ is to god.
a. Deep space
b. Blue skies
c. Human Blood
d. Kryptonite
14. In modern times, two years in jail for theft is just as fair as the Old Testament justice of___________ for missing church on Sunday.
a. Four Hail Mary’s and six Our Father’s
b. The sacrificing of your most productive goat
c. Death
d. Partial stoning + 20 months of gay sex
15. According to god, the greatest law is:
a. The writ of habeas corpus which guarantees all men are guaranteed liberty and relief from unlawful imprisonment.
b. The Bill of Rights which guarantees all men life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness among other protections from tyranny.
c. Feed the hungry, house the homeless, give money to the poor and ensure the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.
d. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
This is the Ten Commandments portion of the test.
The list below contains twenty five of the worst sins in humankind. Select the 10 which all-knowing, all-seeing, almighty God included as the worst:
Human slavery
Missing Sunday mass
Pedophilia
Worshiping false gods
Rape
Coveting thy neighbor’s wife
Polygamy
Stealing
People dying of hunger in a world with ample food supplies
Plunging an entire economy into turmoil so a few billionaires can earn even more money
Disobeying your mother and father
Slaughtering living creatures for pleasure
Human torture
Coveting your neighbors goods
Gay sex
Janet Jackson flashing a bare boob during the Super Bowl
Murder
Nude photography of consenting adults
Using god’s name in vain
Cannibalism
Carving an image of another god or of the heavens
Genocide
Bearing false witness against your neighbor
Allowing the wants of the few precedence over the welfare of the many
A passing grade and to ensure entrance into the Seminary, you must get at least a 95% passing grade.
posted by DarthImmortal at 3:08 AM
3 Comments:
sounds more like a entrance exam for a concentration camp
Hi Darth,
I hope all is going well for you in your employment and life in general. It's been a while since we talked. I've never actually commented on your blog, but I've read your posts from time to time only because I used to work with you at your previous job, though I was gone when you were, as it sounds to me, unfairly terminated. From a certain perspective, I understand why you're frustrated with Christianity yet at the same time, I don't fully understand why you have such animosity toward it. I realize I'm opening myself to being "flamed" here and also that commenting on one's blog isn't the best forum for discussion, but I thought I'd leave a note all the same. Also, Re: question number 10 - why God demands a sacrifice for sin: http://www.lcms.org/pages/internal.asp?NavID=2637
Having read your other posts, I'm guessing this answer won't fully satisfy your question, but hopefully it's a place to start. I'd be more than happy to dialogue in a private setting. Not because I'm ashamed of my views but because I don't think a public blog is the best place for discourse to take place. If you're interested, let me know and we'll figure out a way to talk more.
I appreciate your kind words and hope that life is treating you well too. When I reminisce about my days with my former employer, I have many fond memories (many more good than bad). Especially, with all of the great people I met and still harbor much affection. Although I disagree with the new leadership style of the incumbent and still cannot understand why an accountant gets a management job, I will always have many fond memories of both the people I worked with and our accomplishments. If you want to email me, send to darthimmortalATcharter.net. I look forward to hearing from you.
I do not understand why you think my attacking the Christian faith is an attack on you personally? At least I think you are drawing that conclusion. I have never flamed an individual like you on this blog but I have attacked their beliefs and ideas, especially if I think those ideas lack rationality and common sense.
With that being said, my abhorring of the Christian faith has little to do with my separation from the institution but everything to do with the rationalizations needed to be cajoled into the faith. I still cannot believe that educated, intelligent, and well-meaning people believe in a god which demands blood to atone for mistakes. My hope is that you see the irrationality and the overall lack of intelligence and common sense needed to predicate that belief.
There is a book written by a seminarian like you, in fact the author taught at a seminary; the book is called God’s Problem written by Bart Ehrman. He talks about god and suffering in today’s world. I found it fascinating and I know you will too.
If god is in fact, all loving as Christians constantly suggest, then why can’t he just simply forgive and end all of the blood shed? This is the type of decision a just leader would make and then teach the people the sincerity in the decision. When something is wrong it’s wrong regardless who makes the decision. I know good people can make bad decisions but a god should not make these same bad decisions. He should know better. At least I expect him to know better.
The small piece you referred me to (on the LCMS website) suggests god sent his son to die. I don’t know if you have children, but even if you don’t you must see the irrationality in that belief. You should be able to see how wrong that decision is. In our society, when people kill their own offspring they are ostracized and labeled as killers. We will not tolerate this behavior yet we accept it from a supposedly all-knowing, all-loving entity. What kind of twisted rationality do you have to have in your head to somehow suggest that killing your own son is a good thing to do? If it was my son on the chopping block, I would do everything in my power to stop it. God turns his chin up at his own son’s death and never lifts a finger to aid. Does that sound all-loving and all-knowing to you?
One of the ways I gauge irrationality is to compare situations in the bible to similar situations today. This helps in building your internal compass to see things how they should be seen instead of how someone wants you to see them. For example if you compare the writings in the bible about Moses you will discover similarities to Saddam Hussein. Moses killed as least as many innocent people as Hussein. It is true Moses did lead the exodus and rescued people from slavery but he still condoned and even encouraged slavery. What kind of god aligns himself with an individual who rescues people from slavery on one hand, while still promoting slavery with the other hand? Moses ruled with intimidation, he ordered his people to kill, and to rape and burn villages; all under the command of an “all-loving” god. This is not me attacking Christianity; this is written in the bible and I know that you know it. But yet people like you cast aside all rationality and common sense and still “drink the kool aide.” I just don’t understand why.
I believe the days of Christianity in an educated society are numbered. In order for it to survive it will have to infest uneducated and third world countries where the people are ignorant. But over time as those societies become educated it will eventually die. Then Jesus will be put on the shelf along with Zeus, Odin and the rest of the failed gods created by mankind.
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