Christmas Blahs

So you got the holiday blahs; from time to time I get those too. The hordes of family you only see once a year, all the old lady bad breath kisses on the cheek (some of them leaving a wet stain). When I get the holidays blahs, I have devised a system that cheers me up every time. I make a list of things, people and occupations that would suck worse than the holidays.

So repeat after me, “I am glad to be going to my family’s house during the holidays because it could be worse. I could be .........."

1. getting dropped off by my parents at Neverland Ranch for an evening of “fun”.
2. an altar boy for the Catholic Church from 1970-1990. (That sticky, gooey fun after the masses is not the candy canes.)
3. George Bush’s environmentalist friend. (I’ll bet ole Georgie doesn’t even send this guy a Christmas card anymore.)
4. Heath Ledger, just after signing the contract to play in Brokeback Mountain.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal, just after signing the contract to play in Brokeback Mountain.
6. a pregnant nun in Church.
7. Dick Cheney’s artistic hair stylist. (Nothing artful here just give him the number 2.)
8. a bill on Capital Hill sponsoring education, housing, the environment, criminal reform or healthcare reform. (No matter how much pork they would load up in this, you know its dead.)
9. the mayor of New Orleans. (Famous quotes: “Food.....we don’t need any food. Hey, why did it take you guys so long to show up?!!!”
10. counting on social security for my retirement.
11. a proctologist. (The only profession in the world where you work with assholes all day long but NOT be a politician or the administrative assistant to a corporate executive.)
12. a factory worker in China, or Mexico. (Your holiday bonus would be to work ONLY an 18 hour shift on Christmas Day.)
13. in a disaster area and counting on FEMA to save your life.
14. George Bush. ('nuff said)
15. a corpse at a necrophilia convention. (I might have hit rock bottom with this one.)
16. John Kerry. ('nuff said)
17. Bill Clinton. ('nuff said)
18. working for a health care insurer and being assigned to Wal-Mart. (No Christmas bonus for you!)
19. working for Wal-Mart. (Needless to say this would not be your only job if you wanted to head a household.)
20. Monica Lewinski's dry cleaner. (This chick saves everything!)
21. a cute and furry animal living on Ted Nugent’s property. (You’re dead!)
22. visiting the United States lovely resort at Guantanamo Bay.
23. the spiritual advisor to a pagan. (“It’s the Earth, dude!”)
24. Jeffrey Dahmer’s dietician. (Especially if your advice to him was to eat more red meat.)
25. a seat cushion at a Texas chili eating contest.
26. a Linux developer at a VB conference. (Oil and water!)
27. going to another Christmas again tomorrow.
28. a dung beetle. (This could be a good thing though. Considering the number of politicians and executives that are full of shit; a dung beetle would live comfortably in our society.)

Now do you see how lucky you are?