Thursday, December 21, 2006
Something has been troubling me for quite a while and I decided to get it off my chest today. Is it possible for men and women to retain their friendships after one gets married? I don’t think so.
At one point in my life I used to have more female friends than male friends. But over the years I have lost touch with every female friend of mine except two, while retaining a relationship with almost all of my male friends. Well one of the two I used to be very close with but the last ten times (at least) we have made plans to do something she has cancelled at the last minute for a variety of reasons. We talk on the phone at least once a week and have for many years but when we plan to go to a movie or out to eat dinner she cancels every time.
She is still single and never wants to get married. We were friends long before I got married and my wife does not have a problem with me seeing her. I told my wife all about her before we got married and she does not feel threatened in any way. There is no animosity between the two at all either.
I feel like there is some secret code in which women will not hang out with married men or married women will not hang out with other men period. As soon as women get married it appears as they disappear from the face of the earth. I have run into other people which have known close female friends of mine who got married only to claim once they got married they never saw them again. Is marriage some strange cult to women? They must abandon their friends because of marriage and child rearing?
With this one in particular we used to go everywhere together. We would talk on the phone several times per day planning various activities, then at night we would go to parties or movies and afterward grab a bite to eat and debate various topics for hours. Then she got a boyfriend and we stopped spending time together and then I got a girlfriend and eventually got married while she broke up. I still made time for her but after I got married she acts like I have the plague or something.
I really don’t understand this and was hoping somebody could set me straight. Unlike most men, I actually enjoy the company of women and I don’t have to be screwing them to be enjoying myself. Maybe I’m getting too naïve in my old age or something.
If you are looking for a good news story for Christmas time, here is a good one. It's so disgusting I have absolutely no comment on it and it happened right here in good ole St. Louis.
At one point in my life I used to have more female friends than male friends. But over the years I have lost touch with every female friend of mine except two, while retaining a relationship with almost all of my male friends. Well one of the two I used to be very close with but the last ten times (at least) we have made plans to do something she has cancelled at the last minute for a variety of reasons. We talk on the phone at least once a week and have for many years but when we plan to go to a movie or out to eat dinner she cancels every time.
She is still single and never wants to get married. We were friends long before I got married and my wife does not have a problem with me seeing her. I told my wife all about her before we got married and she does not feel threatened in any way. There is no animosity between the two at all either.
I feel like there is some secret code in which women will not hang out with married men or married women will not hang out with other men period. As soon as women get married it appears as they disappear from the face of the earth. I have run into other people which have known close female friends of mine who got married only to claim once they got married they never saw them again. Is marriage some strange cult to women? They must abandon their friends because of marriage and child rearing?
With this one in particular we used to go everywhere together. We would talk on the phone several times per day planning various activities, then at night we would go to parties or movies and afterward grab a bite to eat and debate various topics for hours. Then she got a boyfriend and we stopped spending time together and then I got a girlfriend and eventually got married while she broke up. I still made time for her but after I got married she acts like I have the plague or something.
I really don’t understand this and was hoping somebody could set me straight. Unlike most men, I actually enjoy the company of women and I don’t have to be screwing them to be enjoying myself. Maybe I’m getting too naïve in my old age or something.
If you are looking for a good news story for Christmas time, here is a good one. It's so disgusting I have absolutely no comment on it and it happened right here in good ole St. Louis.
Labels: My Life
posted by DarthImmortal at 7:57 AM
5 Comments:
I will try and shed some light on your delimma. How do I put this? Okay, imagine a bunch of drunks are friends, then one of them goes into AA. He will not hang out with his drunk friends anymore because he doesn't want to drink. The whole drinking lifestyle no longer jives with him. It's the same with married people. We're like a club. We have different lives, different priorities, and different agendas. Like it or not, you changed when you got married. So did I. We no longer have anything to do with the single lifestyle. We are a unit.
So, your single friend has continued with a lifestyle that you are no longer a part of. She may feel talking about marrage, kids, home ownership, and so on is boring. She may feel that you can no longer talk about or get involved in activities you used to share because you have a wife now.
Or, she may have just grown apart from you. People change.
Or, perhaps she is a tad selfish and doesn't want to be with a man who's attached. How can that man complement/flirt with her when he has a wife at home? The question of "Is he attracted to me?" has been answered with a no. I know, your wife is cool with you seeing this other chick and said chick doean't want to be with you, but women are not easily understood creatures. We don't want to be surrounded by men who are taken.
For me, I changed when I got married. I no longer did stupid, dangerous things because I had a man who would miss me if I died. I lost some reckless, yet fun, friends because of this. It wasn't anyone's fault, it just happened.
As for the cancelling on you, maybe she got a better offer. Maybe she's living for the moment and your advance planning doesn't go down well. I don't know. But don't feel bad because you haven't done anything wrong.
Barbarian,
Thanks for the response. Something like that makes perfect sense.
I think it's a good point, but can't be all beared on women.
I just had a situation where there was a group of six of us, all single and now everyone is in a relationship, basically abandoning all of us in the circle (both guys and girls) - in fact #1 and I now don't see eachother or talk because he has a girlfriend.
I think we all get preoccupied with finding love because our culture says we're supposed to find "the one" and get hitched and pregnant. I also think that married people and single people lose commanalities - it's not "I banged this hot guy/girl last night" it's "We're trying to have a baby/buy a house" etc.
wishing you and yours a very wonderful, happy Christmas. enjoy each second to the fullest and may God's blessings be with you all. hugs.
miss being here and hope to be back soon..
Hum...
As a single woman, I have to pipe up and note that Barbarian doesn't speak for me. If singles and marrieds don't hang out, it's unfair to go around pinning the blame on us singles.
Now, Darth, in your situation it DOES sound like she could be the one perpetuating the problem.
BUT in fairness to us single folks, I'll give you a couple illustrations from my life.
One of my very best friends from law school was engaged when I met her, and got married our third year of law school. Before her wedding, she and I hung out ALL THE TIME. We went out drinking and dancing and having fun and did all kinds of stuff together. After she got married it seemed more and more like she primarily wanted to hang out with other couples. I'm a perpetual bachelorette so this doesn't leave much time for me to chill with my friend. She once confided in me that her husband, now that they're *married*, doesn't like the idea of her hanging out with me at clubs, etc., like we used to. To be fair, her husband is a GREAT GREAT guy who has always been VERY nice to me and we get along great. But in my case at least, the distance isn't my fault. She's feeling some pressure probably from both herself and her husband to "act" more like a "wife." (Since this is your blog, I'll save my feminist rant on this for some other time ;)) Which leaves me with way less of one of my favorite people than I'd like.
As for my married/paired-up guy friends, some of them are totally cool and I have no problem hanging out with them and in fact even enjoy it ;) A couple of them have hit on me (while married) and my opinion of them (and desire to hang out with them) is accordingly much lowered.
And that's my simple explanation: it's case-specific :)
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